The last time

Last year we went to Salt Lake City to visit Ben's grandma Sandy. While we were there, we took the opportunity to meet Ben's great uncle and aunt Jack and Gwen for dinner. They are amazing, wonderful people and I will never forget Aunt Gwen talking about the time she visited the town I'm from in Brazil. She had been there 30 years before and she remembered some details vividly and even found a newspaper article about it that she had saved for all those years. Like I said, amazing people.

Last night, Uncle Jack passed away. And it got me thinking. That dinner was the last time we ever saw him and I'm glad we have that memory of him. I'm glad that we exchanged kind words, sweet smiles and goodbye hugs. You never know when the last time is going to be.

I was up last night from 3:30am to 6am because Isabella decided to have a little slumber party to which apparently I was invited. I was holding her and although I was so tired, it was a sweet sweet moment. And it got me thinking. There are so many things in life that we do for one last time at some point. And I'm not talking only about people passing away. When will the last time I hold this little girl in my arms be? I mean, my parents don't hold me anymore and haven't for a long, long time (they surely appreciate that!), but when was that last time they held me? I'm sure they didn't know at the time it would be the last time. You never know when the last time is going to be.

When was the last time you roller skated? Did you fully enjoy the thrill of the wind on your face? When was the last time you saw that elementary school friend? What did you say to her? When was the last time you saw that old building before they tore it down? Did you appreciate all of its architectural beauty? When was the last time?

It's been said many times before that we should do things as if it was the last time. Live as if there's no tomorrow. Intensely.

Are we really expected to do that? Because honestly, my poor little heart can't take it. I can't go about life thinking about goodbyes, season finales and last chances. I can't live with the heavy weight and gloomy responsibility of making every second of every day count as if it were the last. It just sounds like too much. Too extreme. Too demanding.

I just want to enjoy every moment for what it is without worrying about the future. Not thinking about whether I'll have another one of those or not. I want to forgive myself if I don't remember the last time or if it was less than memorable. I want to live without worries, without regret and without guilt. But maybe that's just me. I'm weird. Don't be like me.

"Don't live as if it's the last day. Live as if it's the first."

Oscar Niemeyer